So it’s the end of another big “V” day. The Saint the holiday is named after was supposedly a big proprietor of “courtly love”. Given my situation and need to avoid all things courtly and love-ish I give the spirit of today an enthusiastic BAH HUMBUG.
On the other hand there is, as there always is, much to be grateful for and much love still present in my life. Even between the ex- and I. Sure I’m not getting the honor of seeing 50 Shades of some color between black and white, but I did get the opportunity to be of service to her and the kids. As I was instructed by my therapist not to give flowers to the ex- and to avoid “quicksand”, I still managed to express care. Yesterday in particular I grilled steaks, hitting the ex- with a perfectly rare filet mignon. Personally, I savored a medium done bacon wrapped sirloin filet. They both ended up turning out pretty awesome. Last night I also gave the ex- a foot massage. I went into it feeling fine and just took it to be helpful as her legs and feet were sore from her boxing class. Last night and a little bit of today though I found myself feeling resentful, perhaps a broken record of old feelings as the footrubs were seldom an intimate moment from my perspective. Nor were they much of a transaction in the sense of exchanging physical pleasure for physical pleasure. Even in writing this now I am finding my emotions a little stirred. Realistically, I chose to give the rub knowing nothing would happen in turn so being resentful does me no good. I just need to keep these feelings in mind the next time I am inclined to offer this service. Perhaps this is another flavor of quicksand, old patterns and old feelings that should be avoided. Perhaps the rubdowns need to be saved for another time and even another person who might seek to please in more equal share than being pleased.
Beyond last night, I coached floor hockey for the kids this morning and got to enjoy their presence throughout the day. I am happy knowing that they had a good day today and hoping they felt loved.