This post pertains more to my professional life. I work as a physicist for a small company. Part of my job is writing proposals to the government to try to get research/product development funding. I just received word I lost a rather large amount of follow-on funding for a small program I had earlier in the year. I, unfortunately, ascribe a lot of my self-worth to stuff like this. I initially play it off as no big deal, but within a day or two I often get rather depressed. I realize it’s not the end of the world however enough professional losses can result in job loss.
The reality of this funding loss is that it is fallout from the affair. I was so obsessed and mentally off that I couldn’t focus on the seedling program or much of the proposal writing process. I see that now that I have gotten some sanity back. When I am not lusting and preoccupied my competence and ability to solve problems and write decently is obvious. I can sometimes be high functioning while practicing my compulsion, but not for extended amounts of time or with the fervor or enthusiasm my work and healthy extra curriculars probably deserve.
The sad part is in knowing that I am a better person when not misbehaving is not enough to keep me from misbehaving.