Life has been busy, painful, lonely, tiring. Thoughts of departing this existence happen daily. As of now they’re just thoughts. I feel on the outside of so much; alienated from the daughter’s school parent group who the ex- is now a party girl with (hence my last “Music Monday”).

Recent layoffs at a big company with lots of people with similar backgrounds to me have me contemplating my employment future. I’ve volunteered to get more involved with trade-shows and customer interaction, i.e. more travel. China and Europe may be in my near future.

I’ve decided to sit with my lonliness for the time being. The lonely bed sucks. Cordial interactions with the ex- just result in pain later. I think people I might be interested in dating are a mere escape from the lonely and seeking to fill the emptiness. Saying that marginalizes the guy friends I have, they have been great. My family has been great. My kids have been great.

We have a couple new “gilled” additions to the house these last couple weeks. A betta fish for my daughter and two “glofish” for my son. The latter involved resurrecting an old aquarium with filter, etc. It was a good family project

I’m lined up to see Black Sabbath when they’re here in January with one of my softball friends, been interacting with other friends more lately. I’m attending the Chris Cornell acoustic show in October, I have an extra ticket. Bloomington Heritage days brew-fest next weekend. I’d like to see Stone Temple Pilots later this month, too.

The AP still crosses my mind a lot. I pray for her and wish her happiness. I do need to recognize it was roughly a year ago I was getting pushed away. She doesn’t need me and I struggle to find ways I need her. She was loving, passionate, etc. I felt an adequate/worthy lover for a time. I felt desired, something I hadn’t felt in a long time. It was a fantasy though, I was only tolerable in the presence of another. With time in all relationships those carnal desires temper, and then what? Still I note every red crossover that crosses my path.

I am still emotionally heavy, still I must move forward. That, which doesn’t kill me….