I am a vivid dreamer. Seldom is the night I wake up where I can’t remember, or even feel modestly emotionally disheveled, from them. They range from intense romantic, physical, sexual encounters to knock-out drag-out fights with parents or peers. I get that it’s my brain processing the day, life, etc. However, I’d frankly like a night or three of blackout sleep.
Last night’s side show menagerie had me taking at least an hour to shake them off in my awakened state. At least I hope I’m in my fully awake state, I really don’t need the “Inception” thing happening. Lot’s of sadness, lots of death, lots of “endings” all to a peculiar Star Wars theme (must be digging back to childhood, eh?). Empire getting the upper hand. Carrie Fisher is still dead (that hits me harder than a celebrity death should at times). Friends from grad school dying as they’re being hunted down by packs dogs controlled by the empire. WTF? Who dreams this? I think I’d take Freddy Kruger about now.
The themes that keep coming to mind right now are change and loss. The reality is I’m dealing with a bit of change in actual, non-Inception, life. My close co-worker left for another job. It’s the end of eight years of working together. I feel a little left behind, but also am now missing a close peer at work. It’s the nature of the beast. People get jobs and change jobs. They look to better themselves professionally and seek out a new challenge once the work being done has become stable.
The first week with her gone was a bit of a reality check that I am currently having to cover most of her duties. This has resulted in working until 7pm most evenings. Interesting, as I wrote earlier, I’m also viewing this as an opportunity to remove some chaos and assign some structure to the area we worked on. As great as my co-worker was, she wasn’t organized. We are currently looking to adapt a more rigorous documentation and processing structure at work as being part of a new certification (IATF 16949, which allows us to sell product into the automotive industry)
Another thing that hit me kind of hard was a picture of my daughter at Disneyland. Currently, my kids are on a short vacation in California with their mom. It’s a long weekend for schools here in Minnesota on account of the Minnesota Educators Association conference. The ex has an aunt in Orange County with big house and pool so it’s a great home-base for a warm getaway.
The Magic Kingdom was on the to-do list. My ex sent me pics of the kids doing various things, but it was my daughter’s pics with the princesses that got to me. She’s almost as tall as the princesses! The picture was very grown-up looking and very casual. The last time we Disney’d with the kids, she was four years old and the magic on her face, reactions was so amazing. She was very weary of the rides on that trip and I ended up taking her on “It’s a small world” maybe a half dozen times.
Thus, I’m having some “my little girl is growing up too fast” moments. Thinking on it too hard has brought occasional moisture to my eyes.
The ultimate reality is that time keeps on marching forward and there are moments my brain is slow to catch up; resulting in some really not nice dreams. All I can do is take a deep breath and let the reality hit me. Some sadness is okay, it’s natural and healthy to encounter. The fact that I have amazing parental “magical” memories is a blessing as is having the opportunity to have had a close peer at work. The fact that time marches forward is also a blessing as it means there will be more opportunities for such goodness to occur again. Indeed, spatially and time-wise “it’s a small world after all”.
Still, I could use some good dreams. Please.
The New Normal 