It’s been two weeks since the breakup. We talked about reconvening after Thanksgiving (U.S. Thanksgiving) to see where things were at, etc. That hasn’t happened yet. I have this odd feeling that it’s not going to happen. I feel bad. I betrayed her trust and understand if another chance isn’t in the cards.
That said, I still don’t know if I want another chance. Not yet anyway. There’s a part of me that feels like I need to be single again for a while. Get myself right and become comfortable on my own again. “Alone but not lonely”
There’s also a part that wonders if I’m even meant to be in a long term relationship in the first place. I certainly struggle with resentment after a time and that seems to be the primary fuel for my looking to “escape”. It’s kind of a scorched-earth type of retreat though; intent on destroying most things between my partner and I. Indeed, I do. I don’t want to. There’s always that angel and devil on my shoulder pulling and pushing some internal influence.
That struggle shouldn’t be anyone else’s though. No one deserves the hurt of betrayal. Beyond the initial hurt, it also leaves long lasting collateral damage of finding people hard to trust. I even sometimes wonder about my being betrayed in early years as I certainly don’t feel like people who get close are trustworthy. Maybe that’s just how my survival instinct has been engineered. If I’m on attack I can’t be disappointed.
However, my deep down day-to-day feeling is I want to be trustworthy and be able to trust. My girlfriend/ex-girlfriend was certainly trustworthy, but there was something in me that felt things were too good, too stable like something had to be going on. My brain knows there was nothing, my subconcious doesn’t always believe that. Yet it becomes another rationalization for me to engage in poor boyfriendsmanship.
Right now I am taking some advice from a friend and doing nothing. I’m not “acting out” I’m just doing the things that need to be done in the moment. That included making some pretty awesome sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving dinner between running in and out of work. Work was requisite on account of a deadline. Got to be of some service and took the keys for one of my recovery friends who couldn’t go to a meeting last night so the meeting location could be opened up.
As for the relationship, the time has passed from when we said we should not talk. We still haven’t talked. I’m leaving that to her and giving up my power to try to steer things. Oddly, I had some Chinese food for dinner last night. My fortune cookie fortune read “Now would be a good time to contact a loved one you’re away from”. Admittedly, it was tough to pick up the phone and call her right there, but I gave it a moment and prayed instead.