Feeling depressed sucks. It’s debilitating and I just want to not move. Lately, I feel like there are moments where it’s gotten shittier. One thing I always thought absurd on those quick screen questionnaires at my meds doc was the question, “have you ever felt like you moved and spoke super slowly?” I used to think how dumb, I’m not a sloth. Now though I think I have experienced that a time or two.
The shit part is I don’t always feel like that. In fact, Monday morning I was very spry. I even got to work uber early and had a very productive day. I would even say that the week has gone well. I made it to the gym a couple times and have had a pretty good couple of days with the kids.
It’s as though I hit a wall. I got into work this morning at 8 (I even made coffee at home this morning, which is a treat for me) to walk into another “these parts will never work” shit show. The trouble is we don’t have enough people at work to help out when there’s a problem so we get bogged down and behind on other stuff. “Priority paralysis” is common. We were able to work through a bit of the issues in question, but that still left a pile on my desk of other things that weren’t getting done. I do think it’s time for me to propose hiring one or two more engineers so that we can cover when there are “fires”.
The nice part about today was that I was able to work through some other lingering things at work. Mostly verifying that other parts worked properly under different temperature conditions. I was also able to get some new devices started, which I hadn’t been able to due to equipment malfunctions over the past week (that’s another shit brick for another time).
Leaving work though, I felt the blues hit me hard. Maybe I’m just over tired and hungry today. The one thing I do know is that I need some time to get my santity back. A few vacation days and a good push of the “reset” button. However, it feels like there is no escape with the frantic pace of the work lately.
I feel myself starting to disengage and derail. My notebook that I used to take copious notes in at meetings is now starting to fill with doodles. I’ve become disinterested in the grind. I’ve started to surf for other jobs and work on other things at work. I’m developing an aversion to the whole place. I want to be free of it.
Home is slightly less stressful, but still has it’s annoyances. I’m working on remodeling my basement. While I’m making okay progress it’s weighing on me to get it done. Fortunately, I now have most of the electrical in and am nearly to the point of hanging drywall. One thing I’m trying to do is be okay with it taking longer than I want.
I do think a main part of misery is not accepting the moment and wishing the future (or the past) was now. When I get wrapped up about the basement, or about paying down (divorce) debt, or wishing my daughter was already 18 so I could be done forking 1/3 of my paycheck to the ex I create frustration. That also results in depression for what or where I’m not. In reality, that’s missing out some of the journey of life as well as placing unrealistic expectations on myself and then I suffer.
I know the answers, stay in the moment, etc., but walking that path is sometimes difficult. Acceptance that getting the “blues” is a part of me right now. I’m not sure there’s anything that can or needs to be done with it except to be kind to myself.
I could sure use a pick-me-up though.