I did it. I had my first date with someone other than my girlfriend, or as the terminology goes my “primary” partner. I guess a little background is warranted here.

I started dating my girlfriend last December. When that commenced, she wasn’t even two months out of her divorce. A divorce that happened with no separation period, etc. I came along as she was getting used to single life and coparenting (she has two kids).

Considering this, we agreed that she needed some space and I wasn’t really looking to settle into a new relationship either. However, I guess there was enough connection to want to form some kind of arrangement. Neither of us are really wanting to get on any kind of path towards living together and marriage.

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In our dicussions, we decided to give ethical non-monogamy (ENM) a try. Since then it’s been an interesting journey. There are LOTS of conversations with each other. It actually seems to have encouraged more intimate conversation, talking about boundaries, plans and the like. For example, would we be doing things like going on dates with other ENM couples, or would we each engage with ENM on our own?

One interesting aspect is since starting this “lifestyle” I’ve very much shuffled my feet on meeting or dating others. Part of this is I just don’t feel the resentment and such that drove my indiscretions while I was married. Another is I feel like there is a lot of energy required for dating; particularly when it comes to meeting new people.

I’m finding myself more of an introvert since the start of the Covid19 pandemic and I have a lot of projects going on around the house. Frankly, the excitement of meeting someone new is being trumped by other aspects of life.

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Thus, my girlfriend was the first to start dating others, meeting with someone who she had known intimately before. It was an interesting first move, even a little scary. Not so much scary in that I was worried about losing her, but scary in that some of that amp’d up feeling from back when I was having an affair emerged. It set off some mild caveman jealousy and arousal which took a little time to settle down, but it did settle down. The voyeur in me enjoyed hearing about the encounter and it makes for fun pillow talk.

That was nearly two months ago. Recently, it has become my turn. I switched dating sites to one that was better for ENM (OKCupid…or as I call it OKStupid). OK definitely resulted in more mutual likings and I found myself talking with one woman in particular. She prefers privacy in her ENM and enjoys a fair amount of kink.

Kink has also been on my radar as a curiosity. In reading more about it, it’s definitely not just some guy/girl being a dick to another. It’s really about providing mutual satisfaction through a power exchange. Interestingly, this person would like to use the power exchange to help her get into better shape. This actually, really piqued my interest as I have an interest in coaching and helping people. It also helps that we seem to be clicking in conversation.


With the clear mutual attraction, we decided to meet. We met at a local restaurant this morning for a late breakfast brunch and to get to know each other a little more. The date was a lot of fun. It’s not all “50 Shades of Gray” it’s a lot of normal conversation with occasional flirty turns and some references to what would be a good structure for the relationship.

She told me some things that she really liked and didn’t like and I’d joke on certain “punishments”. The dynamic became interesting every so often as she was quick to assume a submissive role and be a little pouty or assure me that she’d stick to her fitness plan/goals. If we move forward, I would see her probably once a month. She also opened up the ins and outs of the local alternative lifestyle community. I guess I definitely need to get a FetLife account.


Our date ended with me walking her to her car. We exchanged a very tight hug. It is clear that she really enjoys closeness. We even kissed after verifying that it would be okay as we’re both being Covid-concious.

After the date I checked in with my girlfriend, ready for some reassurance. I think reassurance and listening will be a big part of our relationship as we wade into the ENM “pool”. She said she couldn’t tell if she was jealous or turned-on.

I had to chuckle a little as I knew that feeling.