I’m in an agitated state. My brain is taking focus on the last few years, wanting to burst out. On the forefront is a past relationship and what a fool I was for allowing it to linger for so long. I should have trusted my gut that all that person wanted was to pretend they were high society and not a bastard child from a college hook up.
That I was just the “boyfriend box” on her checklist of things that would make her a complete human being. That there was little patience for me being myself. My sweet, raucous self with a penchant for both dad and dirty jokes. My joy of sex and not minding the use of more direct and wanting words, complete with word play innuendo and euphemism. I should have recognized lousy sex when I had it. The disconnected variety that while the feelings were good, the brain and heart were unsatisfied. Really just feeling like a human sex toy to grind off on. What a thorough non-understanding of human intimacy this person had.
Conversation seldom dipped below her need for a replacement knock-off purse or where the next fancy place for dinner would be. Occasionally with the passing mention that she’d be going and doing something more exotic or fun elsewhere with a girlfriend, without me. Still I was to issue a great harm by coaching my son’s football team as that time wouldn’t be directed her way. Yet an even greater harm was caused when I announced I needed to cut back on our travel and going out as I needed to get my divorce paid off and start saving for my kids’ college and the other things I found important
In that time I had one unfortunate discretion that prompted a brief break-up. I regret that action, but also now see it for my weakness in not just ending things. I regret not ending things sooner. Not standing for the quality human that I am and pursuing a person more to my fancy. Someone who pretended a little less to be fancy and was a little more real. Someone who wanted to be a part of not just me when there were good times out and about to be had, but to accept my struggles, scars, my occasional ugliness. Someone who would want to get to know my kids and my family and would want to get to know and accept the deeper me.
My moment on the app did allow for the beginning of my liberation. It drove a wedge that just needed a second blow to split the weak tie. Her “sabbatical” from “work” provided the second. I believe it to be the epitome of passive aggressiveness to decide to take a month in Mexico without a single nod to a visit. It was a thought that was well conceived even before my transgression. One that repeated the ending of a previous relationship of hers: escape.
I get the impression that the idiot thought they needed to save me. To bring me back to some perceived light, as though I was living life in the shadows. The reality was, and is, I work to live life on life’s terms, to be an unapologetic self. Kind, smart, a little naughty and all around awesome. I seek to do right, to be honest and to find communion with the Universe, God or whatever you call it. To live and love and live love.
Still, this past relationship that I am now lamenting taught me a lot. I learned what’s important to me. What to look for with relationships. What warning signs to heed. Never married and no kids shouldn’t be a showstopper, but no relationship longer than two years at age 40 should. Also, I could never see this person as being integrated enough with my family. There was no interest in knowing my kids. she didn’t even want to see the joy coaching my kids brought me! Still early on she mentioned that maybe I could reverse my vasectomy to have kids with her. Two words: fuck no. That all should have been cause to move on and away quickly. I suppose I had to go through this learning experience to identify all the red flags. It has come clear that boundaries are critical and that it’s important for me to stand up for me and to do that with brutal honesty, quickness and severity. Plenty of people are now welcome into my common space, my main hall as both friends and acquaintances. Very few should be allowed further, to my study, my bedroom, my chamber.
It’s been a year and three quarters now and I have no clue why I’m still pining over all of this. Maybe I had a dream. Maybe I’m at a point of contemplation on my current relationship. While there is a more intimate connection, there do feel to be some impending walls or boundaries trying to be set by her to contain me to stave off potential hurt for her. History says this will backfire. I need to find my brutal honesty and not worry about the outcome. I will be fine and likely less resentful and angry than I am towards the topic of this writing.