I am feeling like a lonely loser lately. It’s likely due to comparison with my primary person. She’s had several dates within the last couple weeks and I’ve had none. Essentially, there’s one person beyond her that I’ve been interested in going out with, in fact the thoughts have trended between friendly liking and smitten. However, I don’t think this person is really up for taking the ENM plunge. As evidence I/we have tried to coordinate several dates, but they end up getting cancelled or not addressed at the last moment; yet cordial and even flirty conversation continues. Still, I’m beginning to see the “writing on the wall” and am gearing to back away from the interaction.
This dichotomy between my partners and my situations has put me in a bit of a funk. Ultimately, I know that my gf’s situation and approach present more opportunities than mine. Particularly in the realm of online dating there are infinitely more guys willing to feign ENM or put up with it just to get a date and potentially some action. Hell, guys are such whores that they lie and stretch the truth online to get any chance of getting laid. Thus, my gf can be picky and still have many options. Interestingly, she ends up going on dates with a fair number of guys who are “between jobs” or otherwise unemployed.
This leaves me, a guy who’s trying to have some straightforward integrity and honesty (something that’s a continual work in progress), feeling left out. I’m also opting to impose some standards on who I might date. I’m not a fan of the typical poly/enm person, which I view as a group who got tired of being rejected so they’re open to most all takers. Else, they are too one side of the political/societal spectrum or the other. I’m starting to get the feeling that the moderate poly dude, looking for a legitimate connection is a lonely dude indeed.
Another aspect is I don’t think I’ve ever handled rejection very well. Particularly from women. I know in dating as a guy you end having a high “no” to “yes” ratio, it can still hurt at times. Especially if things seem like they’re on an exciting trajectory, but reality and expectations don’t line up (or they never get a chance to). The abysmal feeling from such rejection is something I even recall experiencing early on in my elementary school days and seems to have emerged as something to explore/work on. Perhaps it’s good that I already had a therapist appointment lined up for today!
Being able to work on at least understanding my response to rejection might be one of the silver linings of pursuing an ENM way of living for the time being. I’ll perhaps certainly get to experience it more than once. Being able to better handle it, or at least navigate the funk, might also help to improve my relationship with my primary. It would likely even serve to make monogamy better for me, should I choose to return to being a one girl guy.
The other aspect of my comparison rejection is that my gf has more opportunities. Well, she also takes more opportunities than I. Life is busy. Being on the “hunt” takes a lot of time and energy. My kids are both highly active with sports, etc. and I have a number of projects I’m on the verge of finishing on my house. I’m now ready to paint a basement bedroom and have a couple of outdoor planting projects in the works. My life is essentially that of a suburban monogamist with the option for more relationships.
It’s important for me to realize that I am for the most part happy in my world. In fact, writing about this is perking me up a bit. I love getting to improve my house, work on my startup business, raise my awesome kids, hang out with my sweet and sexy primary and take a little time for myself. There’ll be opportunities to romp in the dating realm. My current (dissipating) feelings are just temporary. Afterall, there’s no need to wallow in gloom when I can frolic in this amazing universe.
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The New Normal 