Ok, so I’ve been struggling the last week. It was getting hung up on the affair person for reasons that I’ll hold off on sharing. Partly, because I’m thinking the details are becoming irrelevant, particularly in holding to the bigger picture. Finally, I’ve had the self-realization that it’s all a load of BS. That any wanting the affair person has of me is to cover up her fear of being alone and being in her situation. It has nothing to do with caring about my situation, or wanting me for me. It’s not that she’s an awful person (although some of her actions might have you think otherwise), it’s that she’s scared, mentally not well and has regressed to the emotional maturity of an 8th grader. I do wish her the best, but my waking moments had me thinking “really?”.
So let’s spin that concept a little. It was emotionally immature of me to have the affair, it is emotionally immature of me to be inconsiderate of my wife. It is immature of me for being dishonest. In the beginning (before my plunge), it was immature of me to not speak up more loudly for my needs or to maybe be honest with myself that the wife doesn’t really meet my needs. Instead, I tend to throw “all in” for the other person, thinking being selfless is the right thing to do. This happens until I feel neglected to the point of resentment. Resentment builds until I need to escape for me.
Regardless, I’ve spent too much time dwelling on a person who is so stuck in her own pain she could never meet my needs. I care, but it’s not my job to fix her or anyone else. It’s time to work on my now friendship/parenting partnership with the wife, get my needs figured out and find my voice.