This weekend sucked. It was poised to be a great time of healing and recovery, but my mild craziness got in the way. For some reasons weekends are typically hard when going through the divorce process. The work week has a lot of structure. It’s busy and you go to bed tired. The weekend tends to lack structure. I’m trying to be religious on going to mass on Sunday (yes, pun intended) and hitting my Sunday meeting. I have the room keys for the latter activity so going is of necessity.
Digressing, I had a “marathon” recovery meeting on Saturday. We flew in an old timer and his wife from someplace down south (southern USA) and had a day of hearing their stories and what works for them. It was okay, the OT seemed to run out of material and energy about 2/3 through it, but it was helpful.
I left feeling good, but my emotions caught up with me. Seeing the couples in there working on healing together piqued some resentment on my part. Many of the people who’s stories I knew had fallen much further down the “rabbit hole” than I, yet I am being kicked to the curb. I flared white hot at the would-be ex-wife later in the evening. Fueling the fire I snooped on her laptop later that day while she was gone and found some innocent yet, in my state, enraging conversations with male online “old-friends” some of which I never knew about.
The combined instability from the meeting and getting myself amp’d up further, I did the crazy thing and blamed her for running away from the marriage. I didn’t mention my part in the situation of the moment and sent her to an outing with her “new” friends in tears.
I apologized the next day and I guess Sunday was okay despite still riding an emotional low. I got time with the kids. I heard a good homily at mass on encountering our difficulties. I need to keep perspective that ultimately my actions caused the situation, the divorce, the hurt and to resent any aspect of it is to resent myself. I still love my wife, but I need to be working on letting her go and trusting that things will ultimately be ok.
Today is a new day and I’m traveling to Baltimore, MD for work for a couple of days. That should help with getting to feel back to normal. Oh and I bought a new (well new to me) car, a single owner Toyota Corolla with the sport trim package and a 5-speed manual tranny. I’m very happy with it so far. So despite the weekend there is much to be grateful for!