My healing isn’t perfect. My progress isn’t monotonic. I have setbacks. I reintroduce myself to my pain again and again. Each bout seems to be more manageable, but once in a while something happens and I feel back in my place of emptiness, hurt and the subsequent temptation to numb my pain. …That was the tail end of my week.
I know exactly what started it. I had a failure at work, I failed to get a proposal submitted before a deadline. The one thing I do need to acknowledge is that I was probably trying to do more than I could, my boss even acknowledged that. However, residual stress was still there. Also, my ex- signed a lease on a duplex and she’ll be moving out in early June. These led to massive craving of the affair person. I even went so far as to drive by her place on Friday on my way home from work. I didn’t stop or do anything like that, but it was definitely a fix chase. I wanted my “old bottle”.
Lust was strong with me too and I found my libido amp’d up not just for the affair person, but looking for some relief. I did some sharing with friends on the struggles and I’m working to get back to my full perspective. I think I’ll be okay if I steer clear of chasing my fix, it just takes time. The more I delve in though, the harder it is to dig out.
Besides the bad, it was a beautiful weekend. I got to plant a couple of box gardens with my kids and took my brother golfing for his birthday. We played nine holes and caught the last period of the Minnesota Wild hockey game to see them move ahead in the Stanley Cup playoffs. There’s so much life when I seek it and not delve into my escapism and lust.