In my last couple of posts I found myself struggling with the affair person. A friend of mine gave me the suggestion to “just don’t contact her for today, there’s plenty of time and (I) can reevaluate tomorrow.” I’m very grateful for that advice. By the next morning the craving, for lack of a better term, had subsided enough to take a more objective viewpoint. Namely:
- Contacting her would have just led back to covering things up and shying away from honesty with the (ex)wife.
- I have enough going on in my life and my own goals to achieve and stuff to work on to take on another “project”
- That not acting on the impulse didn’t kill me and in fact I feel much better than the shame and guilt load I would have acquired.
- I momentarily made her my higher power. It’s time to get back to the one that works for me.
On a more philosophical note I think there’s a fundamental incompatibility with the affair person, namely I sought the affair (and my other misbehavior) as a means of rebellion and independence, the result of lots of pent up resentment dealt with unhealthily. I think she sought the affair to escape her fear and feelings and be attached to someone else.
I have a lot of things I want to accomplish. Some of it is lofty (make my first $1 million by 40, or were it $40 million 😛 ), but none of it involves immersed emotional dependence on someone else. Reconnecting that dysfunction would surely derail both near and far term plans.
Bottom line: I have time to work through my cravings, don’t rush and just focus on doing the “next right thing”.
That sounds healthy. Good for you. I an nit sure how to disconnect from the unhealthy high I get into after seeing eachother. I need to break away. Not sure how.
And he makes sure to remind me how much he needs me and how lucky he is to have me in his life.
I just don’t get how his wife takes him for granted.
He does everything.
It’s a nearly impossible thing to do in the midst of it, because you are high from it. I took hitting a bottom (getting caught) to snap me back to reality. Honestly, I was relieved to get caught, because then I got my sanity back. It departs a little when I crave her. As evidenced by some of my earlier posts it was a f–ked up situation.
I don’t want to get caught for all involved sakes. I need to put an end to it now…I’m scared to death.
I don’t want to hurt him…but I love my husband and want my marriage more than this effed* up situation.
Would your husband stay with you if you just came clean? Maybe the way through it is to fall? Sounds like you end it with the guy, you and him will hurt, you come clean you and hub will hurt, you sound like you’re hurting now. Maybe there’s some other support system you can leverage to end it with the guy and help the transition back to normalcy?