Scars

My physical self is relatively scar free. Of note are a big one along my collarbone (Mole removal, but it’s fun to tell people I had been stabbed and see their reaction), a chicken pox scar on my cheek, a few blemishes from just not leaving stuff alone and a few on my fingers and hands from working on cars and the house.

The neck scar in particular used to bug me all the time, even got sore for a few days at a time. Now I hardly notice it, save for when it’s pointed out to me.  I even tried taking a selfie of it. It lacks any effect now though as it has faded considerably.

I have a lot of scars buried deeper in me emotionally though. They still tug at me. Lately, some anger from the separation has resurfaced and is resulting in me being a dick, for lack of a better term, to the ex-wife. In reality it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with my spiritual mis-connection and my scars. She deserves kindness, in the heat of battle though that can be hard to see.

Another, more curious scar, is left from the affair. It’s one of trust. I (believe) I have forgiven the AP, I now even see there was a lot of wrong on my end that caused her a lot of hurt. That doesn’t mean I can’t be affected at times. I had an odd occurrence with it this evening and thought it worth a share.

I’m in the early stages of dating/a new relationship. My friend (for lack of a more schmoopy term in trying to take it slow) has been on travel to Brazil for work over the last two weeks. It feels much longer and I’m happy to have her home tomorrow morning. I figured I’d surprise her by leaving a gift of a growler of her favorite micro-brew and a card on her doorstep. It’s cold enough out that it would be fine overnight without freezing, but staying cold.

On my way over there I got a wave of “what if she’s there and has been lying/in hiding”. It kind of got my adrenaline up. My logical brain says my thoughts were total BS, and there was/is plenty of evidence to support that (e.g. I was supposed to pick her up from the airport tomorrow morning, but MY work schedule changed and prevented it). We talked via WhatsApp every night, etc. She’s in Brazil and behaving. Finally, when I did leave the gift there, it was obvious nothing had moved since I took her to the airport two weeks prior.

Still my “scars” got a rise out of me. Putting the trust piece back where it should be is going to take a while. I actually don’t think I trusted the ex-wife with my emotions very much either, in my recollection any sharing of mine turned into hurt feelings on her part. Less abrupt of a scar, more like a callous, but perhaps tougher to diminish.  I’m hoping with the work I’m putting in and developing a better sense of self for…myself and strengthening my HP belief things will improve.

It is neat that I can make these observations and work through them.