Okay, I have my crabby pants on. They are also my resentment pants, my fuck-you pants and “my this shit ain’t worth it” pants. I’ve been spinning on my relationship, which is now 1.5 years old. I have to say it’s become a little like watching the paint dry or the grass grow.
More aptly it might be like waiting for the water in my pot to boil, and as the expression goes, it never will. The reality is I don’t even think the stove is on and, sadly, I don’t really care that much. The other reality is, I’m not even really waiting. I know there’s a stove and a pot full of water, but it’s dinner time and the water was for breakfast. Still, it’s there and I need to do something with it, but it’s on a back burner so isn’t really all that much in the way and thus doesn’t need immediate attention.
Digressing from the metaphor, the things I liked in my relationship aren’t really enough to keep it going any more. The large amount of space was great, but I’m getting to a point where I could use some closeness. Closeness isn’t something we do. It’s something the affair person and I did in a very maligned way. Like two lumps of play-dough stuck together, you could never really get them fully apart.
In this relationship the dough is played with in separate balls, colors are careful not to mix and the lids are always tight on the containers when not in use. I have the space to be dad to my kids and to do the things I need to do around the house with occasional interaction from “the gf”.
I think it’s getting time to move on, the interactions have become tedious and far spaced. Deliberate apathy for the sake of not getting too close has given way to afterthought.
Ending such a thing is where my rub is. I’m very bad at it. Even when I know it’s something that has to be done. It lingers, waiting for feelings to build and some kind of fuse to be lit. It may be fear of approval or not wanting to cause hurt. Without approval my self-esteem suffers, but it also suffers when I don’t. I don’t feel deserving of something exciting ( not that a relationship needs to be all excitement all the time).
In the end I know what will happen. The end will just depend on the path I take.