“Just because I’m paranoid, it doesn’t mean no one’s out to get me” or so the quip goes. I’m feeling paranoid today; having that uneasiness as from when things with the affair person started taking a turn for the crazy.

I feel I’m being lied to, mostly through omission, by my girlfriend. I’ve actually been feeling some unease for a while. The disconcerting “something is going on” twist in the gut where if I was at the right place at the right moment there would be something to justify the feeling.

Last night there was a pretty substantial omission. One that if it wasn’t kept as an omission and drawn out through my line of questioning, but instead just a statement of, “I’m going to introduce my new (male) coworker to my favorite craft brewery” would have caused no arming, let alone a need for disarming.

The evening progressed as normal. I have my kids this weekend so they were at my house. It was school carnival night at my daughters school so her and I went. My son was sick so he stayed home and chilled. Aside from a, “how’s it going?” from me and a “Doing well. Glad it’s the weekend.” text in return banter with the girlfriend was quiet. This is normal. We usually connect later, around 10, and share in our day and say our goodnights.

I initiated the evening texts around 10:20. A little late from me and knowing the gf has a propensity for falling asleep I thought nothing of the non-response. I sent a goodnight text and proceeded to doze.

At 11:10ish I get a text from her wondering if I was still up. She called when I said I was. She sounded a bit awake, but said a mix of she didn’t hear her phone and that it had been flaky. I asked how her evening went and she proceeded to talk about her day. How it was a good day and had positive interactions with people, etc.  I repeated the question stressing evening and got a nebulous answer. I can’t even recall what it was, but was akin to feeling like a big dark patch was left. The conversation also wasn’t flowing well at all. I stopped and asked if everything was okay. She said it was. The tone was overcompensating. The kind where if I was there, there would have been a look away and a hair fondling. The voice and the expression not aligning.

I hate the interrogation style of conversing, but I wasn’t convinced all was fine. I at least felt fine asking what she did for dinner. She went to her preferred craft brewery (we have a few of those here in the Twin Cities). Not the best spot for dinner as most places of this sort don’t have food aside from a gourmet food truck parked out front. Two beers and a gourmet empanada or pork bowl or kabob would be an viable dinner.  Still, it’s a weird place to go to alone.

“You went by yourself?”

“sigh. I went with my co-worker”, followed an awkward pause.

“I didn’t want you to worry that there was something going on so I didn’t mention it.” was the next response.

I dislike having my own words used with places swapped. During the course of my marriage, “I didn’t want you to worry” was first on my list of reasons for not telling my (now) ex-wife about my struggles, my slips, my affair. It’s a bullshit qualifier and really means “I was afraid to tell you and afraid that you’d get mad at me or worse”.

Honestly, I’m hurt. Maybe in some backwards way I deserve it; a form of karmic retribution. Still, my girlfriend prides herself on her integrity, but maybe it’s only integrity when there’s clearly no evidence of wrongdoing?

I did follow up by asking if there was anything going on with her coworker or anyone else. the “no” was emphatic. It sounded honest enough, but I’m a pretty good liar. Let a little slip so the rest doesn’t have to come out. If there’s no evidence, it didn’t happen.

I’m letting the discussion lie for the moment (pardon the pun), but I can’t help but feel off kilter. It is as though not all is out on the table, something was left unsaid. Do I let it go and just trust? Do I press? Do I hire a PI? Probably not the latter-most, but I may have to build a barrier for the time being.

If the worst should be discovered, I need to realize that I will be fine, but I will need to end things.

I like my girlfriend. She likes me, but she has never, in the two and a half years we’ve been dating told me she loved me. Maybe I’m just a place holder for someone a little more polished, more her type? Someone who is less scruffy and less of a stark-raving liberal at times. Someone in better shape and lives closer-by.

There has all of a sudden become a lot to consider. It’s time to close my eyes and breathe.