It has been a little over three months since my girlfriend of 3.5 years and I broke up. Since then it’s been a rollercoaster of feelings.
For the high moments I feel like there’s more bandwidth in my life and I’m able to get things done. That energy is a precious commodity. However, it can be hard to remember that I was spread too thin. Ultimately, that energy I put in wasn’t resulting in getting my needs met and, as a battery with a short between the terminals, I soon failed to put enough in to support the system.
In hindsight I noticed the resulting effect when she started not inviting me along to family or other out and about activities. I own that I should maybe have done more, but I was depleted.
On the low end, which I am experiencing now, I miss her. The travel, the cuddling, the laughing. I feel lonely and lost. For the last couple months I had kids’ sports to distract me. I got up, worked, coached and went to bed tired. That season is done. Now is a lull, particularly on the weekend, where the sadness lingers and I have difficulty staying in the moment and am irritable.
All I can do is breathe and go through the motions of life. In activity there is distraction. In sweat there is healing, but I still need to feel. I have thoughts of trying to meet new people. My stomach isn’t ready for that. I want the familiar. I need to reach out to some friends. I need to write. I need to ride the waves and get through.
I am in mourning. I am sad. I know she’s just a text away, but I need to walk through life alone for a bit. I need to pray for her and send her positive energy. Perhaps our paths will cross again and maybe we’ll be a cute enviable couple again, but not now. Not yet.