I’m finally coming out of the break-up funk from the weekend. The funk was spurred by seeing the pictures of her and I be wiped off of social media and likely deleted. It felt like a part of existence being torn away. It resulted in my un-following her on Instagram. I don’t need to see if anything, like a new partner, comes next.
In becoming more disconnected there is a small, angry reminder phase of what I disliked in the relationship. The reality is I spent much of it in the realization that it was a good relationship coming out of my divorce. It was casual and not overly connected. It centered on activities together and not a whole lot of time spent communicating about those deeper emotional things.
As time progressed, I think I wanted more connection. Emotional, intellectual and physical connection and not just the fun of having an activity partner. This may have been where our paths started to diverge. Differences in perspective became more noticeable. Frustration waxed and interest waned. The break had to happen. She is/was a good friend, but the time to find someone who better meets my desire for deeper connection is now progressing.
So, I am writing this as a reminder (and a list) of the reasons it had to end. Maybe my perspective will change, but this is my gut, intuition and hindsight observation. Essentially, a small roadmap of who I am and what wasn’t working for me. Note: these are my observations, I maintain she’s a sweet person. Other’s inter-personal results may vary.
|Humor||Slapstick, deadpan, quick wit. |
Stand-up and satire are hilarious
As is a little bit of raunchy-ness
|Memes, sillyness. Was very tiring for me to look at memes upon memes with her after a while|
|Sex||A form of close connection. Sharing of desires, fantasies, experiences creates closeness. Maybe a little kinky, and voyeuristic at times||I felt like an occasionally used, living toy for grinding a quick orgasm out on. Completely on her terms. Took “non-facing” positions or pillow talk as my using her versus trying to connect. Communication was hampered early.|
|Conflict||Admittedly, I can be passive. Sometimes I’m slow to feel wronged or resentful. I will speak up though and am capable of being angry||Avoid conflict until an air-tight case has been written down (I’m being literal with the writing). Won’t broach touchy subjects if they can be avoided.|
|Family||I see my extended family at least once a month. Lots of interaction with my folks, siblings, nieces and nephews||Family interaction only when necessary (e.g. holidays). Openly admits to going to family events purely for the recognition that she went.|
|Politics||Left-leaning moderate. Vote early, vote often||Right-leaning moderate. Didn’t vote in last election despite having ample time to research candidates and make decisions.|
|Religion||Dynamic higher power that is incomprehensibly big. Jesus is a good ideal for how to live (simply and kindly). Bible stories are 2,000+ year old myths.||Praise Jesus! Evangelical church goer who subscribes to the traditional story. Warning signs of some of this were on the social media prior to dating|
|Superstition||Correlation and coincidence are not causation.||Argued one reason she couldn’t tell me she liked/loved me was because those words cause breakups for her.|
|Animals||Low maintenance (a cat) although contemplating a dog||No pets. Gets her puppy fix walking dogs. Indicator for no desire for actual commitment?|
|Kids||Two amazing teens. Snipped (vasectomy), no more kids||None. I felt like kids were competition to her. (note, you will lose if you make your relationship a competition with someone’s kids for priority). I think she wants/should have kids of her own.|
|Income||Decent, but paying for kids, divorce debt, house maintenance, etc. Definitely need to pick and choose entertainment and such||Never married, no kids, lots of disposable income. Likes activities and finer things that I couldn’t keep a chivalrous pace with. When I put my foot down on this, I stopped being invited places. Wasn’t even told about a family event until after it happened.|
|Focus||Just trying to do the right thing. Enjoy my occasional peaceful moments. Be present and available to others||Self safety and financial security come first. Constantly on the self-improvement train. Hangs pics of unrealistic magazine models to “inspire” what she wants to look like. Often oblivious to other’s expressions, needs or even walking at the same pace. Sometimes led me to wonder if I was dealing with someone on the autism spectrum.|
|Conver-sation||Thoughts and philosophy, ideas, challenges and areas for growth.||Probably a dozen past experiences shaped life perspective. Same stories over and over. Talks about activities. See humor and sex sections.|
|Emotions||Often try to wear “my heart on my sleeve”. I can be blunt I can be hurt although it sometimes takes me a little time to show it. Observant of others’ expressions/feelings||Seemed to want to avoid emotion other than happy/positive unless something big happened. Doesn’t read emotional social ques very well.|