Shortly after Date #1 Tinder rang again. This time it was a woman, I’ll call “B”, from eastern Wisconsin. B certainly knows how to flatter. Her first comment was how my profile gave her whiplash in that it resonated with her strongly. Still not entirely knowing what I’m after, I knew she was a bit far away from my “dating radius” (dr) for an exclusive relationship.
I tend to have my dr set to 15 minutes, okay I may even go 20 minutes, away. The reason for this is part hedging eventual resentment on having to drive long distances and part learning from my last relationship that my time is precious and driving 30+ minutes each way is too much.
B is 45 minutes away with usual traffic. What makes it even more challenging is that she cannot drive, i.e. B is legally blind. Not like stick and seeing eye dog blind, but fishbowl lensed glasses are required and extra observation time is required to fully comprehend a situation, sign, etc. making the occasional reactions required for driving unobtainable.
Still, as our banter was rather good, I agreed to meet her for dinner near her home. We met at a lovely little restaurant near her downtown and the banter continued. In my mind I was cursing myself for letting it go this far on account of the distance (yes, there’s a pun). I know the pathology of longer distance and that this was likely not sustainable.
We did a little bar hoping after dinner, covering all the base topics from kids, family and divorce to relationship wants and needs and even sex. B really likes sex and has some doozy stories to prove it from her work and other travels. She even mentioned she was open to a more open relationship/friendship.
The idea of an ethically non-monogamous (ENM as it’s referred to on the dating apps) has crossed my mind several times. As I can have trouble with sexual compulsion it might be a good honest way to go about things, or it could be a slippery slope to worse behaviors. Regardless, it’d be something I wouldn’t take lightly and can’t see myself canon-balling into a pool of sex, but my curiosity was piqued.
I did tell B that while I enjoy the time spent with her, I can’t do exclusivity. I needed space and time not in a relationship. Here she re-stressed her being okay with ENM as long as we were safe about it. I’m on the fence as to if it came off as desperate.
There were other challenges as well. While being separated and well on her way to divorce, she was not yet divorced. The dust of the legal action between her and her ex is just starting to get stirred up. She has a tough fight as she’s the primary breadwinner. My more recently found aversion to chaos has me thinking that the dust needs to be on the settling end of things for something more serious.
Still, the date was awesome. The kiss at the end of the date was soft and delicious. I didn’t prolong it too much so as to leave desire for more. I drove home that evening with more wonder about how at least a friendship could be forged.
Talking to my therapist about it, she mentioned that making friends with all my dates is not required, nor is it healthy or desirable. I have enough on my plate without entertaining more people. However, I didn’t take her advice on not getting into a longer distance relationship.
B and I have been infrequently getting together, which will be the topic for another post. Our first date was awesome, still I see much writing on the wall about what will eventually happen.